You do not have to wait until your body changes to start treating it like something worth looking after.
There’s a strange little bargain many of us make with ourselves.
I’ll feel good about my body when…
I lose the weight.
My stomach is flatter.
My arms look different.
I fit the old jeans.
I’m more toned.
I look like I did before kids.
I get back to where I was.
And until then?
We treat the body we currently live in like a temporary inconvenience.
A before photo.
A problem under construction.
Something we’re allowed to properly enjoy later.
Except “later” is a moving target.
You lose five kilos and notice the stomach.
You get stronger and start looking at the thighs.
You fit the jeans and decide your arms need work.
The body changes.
The criticism simply relocates.
That’s the part I think we need to talk about.
Because there is nothing wrong with wanting to change your body.
You can want to lose fat.
You can want to build muscle.
You can want your clothes to fit differently.
You can have aesthetic goals.
But if your ability to feel okay in your own skin is entirely dependent on reaching a very specific body shape...
we may be chasing something the body itself cannot fix.
The “perfect body” is a terrible finish line
Mostly because it doesn’t exist.
Even the body you’re imagining as the goal probably comes with conditions.
It needs to be lean...
but not too muscular.
Strong...
but small.
Curvy...
but only in very specific places.
Flat stomach.
Round bum.
Toned arms.
No cellulite.
No loose skin.
Somehow also relaxed around food, socially available and not thinking about any of this very much.
It's a ridiculous brief.
And it keeps changing.
Bodies age.
Hormones change.
Pregnancy changes them.
Illness changes them.
Stress changes them.
Training changes them.
Life changes them.
If body satisfaction requires your body to remain within a very narrow visual range, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of surveillance.
Is it smaller?
Is it tighter?
Can I see definition?
Do I look better than last month?
Does she look better than me?
Bloody exhausting.
Loving your body doesn't mean thinking it looks amazing every day
This is important.
Sometimes body-positive messaging accidentally creates another standard we're supposed to meet.
Now not only do we have to have a perfect body...
we must also apparently stand naked in front of the mirror every morning whispering affirmations about how magnificent it is.
You don't have to.
There will be days you don't particularly like what you see.
That's human.
Body respect is often a much more useful goal than body adoration.
I can respect this body enough to feed it.
I can respect it enough to move it.
I can dress it comfortably.
I can rest it.
I can take it to the doctor.
I can stop calling it disgusting.
I can let it go swimming.
I can appear in photos.
I can have sex.
I can buy clothes that fit it now.
I can live in it while I'm still working on my health.
That counts.
Move the good stuff to the foreground
One of the reasons appearance can become so dominant is because we keep measuring it.
Weight.
Waist.
Photos.
Clothing size.
Mirror.
Comparison.
Another mirror.
Slightly different lighting in another mirror.
Meanwhile, all the other things your body is doing barely get acknowledged.
So deliberately widen the scoreboard.
Ask:
What can my body do now that it couldn't do before?
Can you carry heavier shopping?
Walk further?
Get off the floor more easily?
Recover faster?
Climb stairs without puffing?
Lift heavier?
Balance better?
Sleep better?
Run?
Play with your kids?
Concentrate for longer?
Feel more energetic?
Have fewer aches?
Cook more often?
Feed yourself properly?
Maybe your health journey is already working.
It just isn't showing up in the exact place you've been staring at.
Stop using appearance as the only proof that you're doing well
This one is particularly important when you're trying to improve your health.
You strength train for three months.
You’re stronger.
Your back feels better.
Your balance improves.
You're more confident.
But the scales barely move.
So you think:
Nothing's happening.
Nothing?
Really?
Or did the one measure you have emotionally promoted to CEO fail to change?
Health is bigger than the shape of your thighs.
Progress can be:
lower blood pressure,
better blood glucose,
improved cholesterol,
stronger bones,
better fitness,
more muscle,
more fibre,
better sleep,
better energy,
less pain,
improved confidence around food,
or simply being able to participate in your own life more fully.
Your body shape is one piece of information. It is not your health report card.
Watch how you speak to yourself
Imagine speaking to another woman the way you sometimes speak to your own body.
Look at that stomach.
You've really let yourself go.
Those arms are disgusting.
You can't wear that.
Everyone will notice.
We would never accept it.
Yet somehow if the cruelty comes from inside our own head, we think it's motivational.
It rarely is.
Shame can create bursts of action.
It is much worse at creating a peaceful, sustainable relationship with health.
Try replacing judgement with observation.
Instead of:
“I look awful.”
Try:
“I'm uncomfortable with how my body looks today.”
That sounds like semantics.
It isn't.
One is a declaration about your worth.
The other is a feeling.
Feelings move.
Dress the body you have
This might sound trivial.
It isn't.
Keeping an entire wardrobe of clothes that don't fit can turn getting dressed into a daily performance review.
Too tight.
Another reminder.
Another little punishment.
Another morning beginning with:
For fuck's sake.
Buy clothes that fit your body now.
You are not giving up.
You are not “accepting defeat”.
You're wearing trousers.
That's it.
You can pursue body-composition goals while also allowing your current body to be comfortable.
You do not need to earn clothes that fit.
Be careful what you repeatedly feed your brain
If your social feed is filled with:
before-and-afters,
“What I eat in a day” videos,
very lean bodies,
body checks,
weight-loss challenges,
anti-ageing content,
and people whose entire job involves maintaining a particular aesthetic...
eventually your perception of “normal” gets a bit warped.
Just like our tastebuds adapt to intense flavours, our eyes can become accustomed to an extremely narrow representation of bodies.
Curate your inputs.
Follow strong women.
Older women.
Women doing interesting things.
Bodies of different sizes.
People talking about health without constantly showing you their abs.
And unfollow anyone who reliably makes you feel worse about yourself.
You are not required to donate your self-esteem to somebody else's content strategy.
Stop postponing your life until you're smaller
This is a big one.
I'll buy nice clothes when I've lost weight.
I'll go swimming when I'm leaner.
I'll get in the photo when I look better.
I'll start dating when...
I'll go on the holiday when...
I'll wear shorts when...
No.
Please don't spend five years hiding a body that was perfectly capable of participating in your life because you wanted it to look different first.
You may change your body.
You may not.
It will definitely change eventually because that is what bodies do.
Your life is happening now.
Get in the bloody photo.
Separate health behaviours from body punishment
This is where things really start changing.
Move because you want a strong, capable body.
Not because you ate dessert.
Eat vegetables because they support your health.
Not because you need to make up for lunch.
Strength train because muscle is useful.
Walk because it makes you feel good.
Eat enough protein because your body needs it.
Sleep because your nervous system needs it.
When healthy behaviour becomes punishment for the body you currently have, it is incredibly difficult to sustain without resentment.
The goal is:
I look after this body because it belongs to me.
Not:
I will look after it once it becomes acceptable.
You can want change without declaring war
This is the middle ground we seem to miss.
You can want to lose some body fat and still feed yourself properly.
You can want stronger arms and still wear a singlet today.
You can want your clothes to fit differently without treating your current body as evidence that you've failed.
That matters because change tends to feel very different when it comes from care rather than disgust.
What to do when the obsessive body thoughts start
Try interrupting the loop.
Not by screaming positive affirmations over it.
Just by refusing to let the thought run the meeting.
1. Name it
I'm body-checking again.
I'm comparing.
I'm looking for flaws.
That creates a little distance.
2. Ask whether the thought requires action
Most don't.
“My stomach looks bigger today” does not require an emergency calorie reduction.
3. Change the question
Instead of:
How do I look?
Ask:
How do I feel?
What does my body need today?
What am I proud of it for?
What health behaviour can I actually control?
4. Stop collecting evidence
You do not need six mirror checks.
Or three weigh-ins in one morning.
Or twenty photos from different angles.
If checking repeatedly makes you feel worse, reducing the checking is part of looking after yourself.
5. Go do something
Get out of your head and back into your life.
Walk.
Call someone.
Work.
Cook.
Train.
Go outside.
Do something your body is for, rather than continuing to inspect what it looks like.
Build a body you enjoy living in
I think this is a much better goal.
Not the perfect body.
A body you enjoy living in.
One with enough energy.
Strength.
Mobility.
Food.
Sleep.
Confidence.
A body that lets you travel.
Work.
Dance.
Lift things.
Have sex.
Carry children.
Get older.
Laugh.
Walk up a hill.
Wear the bathers.
Go out for dinner.
And yes, maybe change shape along the way.
But the shape isn't the whole bloody story.
If body thoughts are taking over, take that seriously
There's a difference between occasionally wishing your stomach looked different and having food, weight or appearance occupy a huge amount of your mental space.
If you're:
avoiding social situations because of your body,
restricting food heavily,
bingeing,
purging,
compulsively exercising,
weighing or body-checking repeatedly,
feeling intense guilt after eating,
or finding that thoughts about food and appearance are interfering with daily life,
that deserves proper support.
You don't need to become “sick enough” first.
A GP, psychologist or dietitian experienced in eating disorders and body image can help.
Getting help isn't abandoning your health goals.
Sometimes it's the thing that finally allows health to become healthy again.
Your body does not have to be finished
You are allowed to be working on your health and living comfortably in your body now.
You can want change without withholding food, clothes, photos, holidays, swimming, intimacy or enjoyment until some imaginary finish line.
Your body isn't a before photo.
It's where your entire life is happening.
Bring forward the good stuff.
Strength.
Energy.
Function.
Health.
Connection.
Capability.
Joy.
Let appearance take up a little less space.
You don't have to spend another year trying to finally love every part of the way your body looks.
Start by respecting it.
Use it.
Feed it.
Dress it.
Take care of it.
And build a life that reminds you, regularly, that your body was always meant to be more than something to look at.
(Now let’s ALL practise this way of thinking…INCLUDING me.)